Hopeless.

I am afraid that you will leave me. You will find someone better than me, someone smarter, funnier, wiser, prettier. I am afraid that you will leave me for not being successful, for failing. I have failed me, you. I am nothing to be proud of, and yet you are here. When will it end? I am scared to turn the corner and see you gone.

Are my beliefs unfounded? Am I wrong? I am. I am.  I am?

I try so hard, please know that it’s true. I wake up everyday hating what I have become, who I am and what I am not. I wake up everyday wondering how I have let it come to this. I have chosen my own paths and found myself always in the same place. Does this not mean that I am hopeless? I am hopeless, and utterly useless.

So go ahead and leave me. I deserve it.

The Water in Me

How does it always end up the same? You are as predictable as you let yourself become.

It was written in the stars? No. You wrote it there yourself and decided to let it happen. That’s what happened. You let yourself fail. You became your own worst enemy, you fell from the top and you hit the bottom just like you should have. Just like you should have.

What can be said for yourself? Do not deny yourself what you deserve. You deserve to experience your own hell, the pain of which you had decided for yourself when you became your devil. My devil? Lazy? Overachieving? Lier? Lier. To yourself, to your friends (?), to your love.

You see, good intentions will not get you there. They perhaps might light the fire, they might even fan the flames when you become renewed in your efforts to succeed, but most often they will become the water that douses the wood. You are the water.

The water, you say? I am the water. I am the reason for failure. I am a failure.

Go ahead, wallow. Drown your water self in the self loathing, and pity that seems to always be the final outcome. You lie to yourself, you pretend to try, and then you wonder what happened. Wonder away you “blind” girl. Pretend you don’t know, it will all be easier the next time you begin your chosen path. You chose your own cycle, so why don’t you stick to it? At least I can claim to be good at that, right?

Don’t pretend. Stop pretending. Stop.

My Crutch

I have a problem: I am a procrastinator. I wonder why I get this way sometimes. It happens randomly, and when it happens I am totally kicked to the ground; disabled until I finally recognize the symptoms. I am a product of my own making, however, and I recognize that it is all because of my actions. I sit and I wait. I do nothing until the last moment. Then I am overtaken with fear. Shouldn’t it all be different? Shouldn’t I have been able to make it this time? Well, no. Nothing can ever change if action is not taken. You are defeated before you even begin. The problem is, you promise yourself that you will be different but you actually never change.  You never change. You are all talk. You lie to yourself and to others, and then you wonder why you fail.

It sounds like such an arbitrary thing what I am talking about, but I feel that I am not achieving my full potential. Is it a lack of motivation, laziness, or is it just a continuous stream of self sabotage that I carry out every cycle? I am not quite sure. All I know, is that I have done it again. I have skipped 3 days worth of lectures, I completed none of the material from last week, and worst of all (and this is always my wake up call), I have skipped a lab. I have another lab on Thursday, which I have not prepared for yet. Lets hope I do something about it. That’s my problem, isn’t it? I’m hoping I will do something about it. If that’s not a cop out for blame, then I really don’t know what is. I mean, I’m going on as if there is no explanation for my own failure, as if I had no hand in it; it was all up to fate. I feel ridiculous that those words were ever written. How dumb can I be?

Note to self: Just do it now. Don’t wait. Whatever you were planning to carry out tomorrow, do it today.